


Sometimes You Just Have to Punch Superman Right in the Effin' Jaw

by ren_makoto



Category: DCU
Genre: Dark Comedy, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:14:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28153704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ren_makoto/pseuds/ren_makoto
Summary: A dangerous parasite plus the most powerful man on earth. You do the math.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	Sometimes You Just Have to Punch Superman Right in the Effin' Jaw

"-weak, foolish humans!" Superman continued to roar, eyes blazing crimson. "You will all kneel before me!"

The Green Arrow coughed and curled in around himself on the pavement. He gazed up with a pained expression on his bruised face at the dark shadow above him.

"Mind controlled," he said. "Again."

Ollie took a deep, ragged breath, blood coming with the next exhale. "He's not holding back. He's...so strong. Be careful."

The man in black just grunted in understanding and then stepped over the unconscious and nearly-unconscious forms of the members of the Justice League littering the ground. And if his heavy-booted foot accidentally caught Queen on the jaw, well, the guy deserved it.

Wonder Woman was skirted around entirely, respectfully avoided, not even brushed with the scalloped ends of a cape. But days later, Flash would ask about the boot print in the middle of his uniform and Hawkman would complain of gravel somehow making it into his mouth.

But for now, they slept, taken down effortlessly by the most powerful being on earth.

At the sound of movement, Superman whirled around, feet pointed above the ground where he hovered. "You!" he exclaimed with venom in his voice. "Oh I can't stand you. You and your fucking gadgets!"

But nothing kept him from approaching and Superman bristled. Another voice seemed to resonate from deep within his body.

"Do not underestimate him, Last Son of Krypton. He can destroy all we have worked for! We have much to accomplish!"

"Yeah, yeah," Superman said, swatting at the air as if to rid it of the voice that came from inside him. "World domination and ultimate power. Whatever. Sounds great. We'll get to that," he added and then his face split into a wicked grin. "But first, I think I have like ten years worth of getting my ass kicked to take out on this bastard."

Superman cracked his knuckles, the sound like explosives. "I get so tired of you and your plans and your schemes. I'm damn tired of your attitude. And you know there are some people who think you're better then me? You? Better than me? Hah. This little rivalry between us," he said, wild smile spreading, "ends now."

He bent his knees, heedless of the otherworldly voice screaming, "No! Don't! We must survive!" and launched his powerful body forward.

He made it within two feet of his fist connecting with that smug expression before he dropped from the air like a stone.

"Told you," the strange and eerie voice said resignedly.

Superman pulled himself up onto his knees and coughed while ugly veins the color of seaweed clawed their way up his face.

"Th-the r-ri," he tried to say. He was gurgling, as if something was trying to force its way up his throat.

"The ring," was the rumbled agreement. "It comes in handy."

Superman struggled to his feet. "I'm still stronger. Faster. The Entity is right: Humans are weak. Flawed. I will triumph. I will rule you all, bend you all to my will." Despite his weakened state, the grin was still evil and cruel. "Starting with you," he finished with a hiss.

Batman shrugged, hauled his fist back far behind his head, held it there long enough to say, "Shut up," before driving the blow home, right to Superman's jaw, green spreading out like a creeping vine from where the ring hit.

Superman went down like his name was Marvis Frazier.

Batman didn't gloat; instead, he hollered, "Black Canary, now!"

Dinah at her very best in black fishnets and high cut leather body suit suddenly appeared at his side. Supporting herself with a strong stance, she opened her red lips wide and-

Superman writhed on the ground, clamped his hands over his ears. "No, no!" his voice screamed in harmony with another, sinister one.

He tried everything to get away from Dinah's voice; tried crawling to safety, twisting his body away from it, but it was useless.

A heartbeat later and he fell on his back, arched high while his mouth parted like a chasm in the earth and something-slick and red and mottled brown like mold-oozed its way sickly and slowly from Superman's mouth, trailing slime as it went.

It plopped onto the pavement, a shapeless mass shuddering and convulsing until it suddenly stilled and melted into a puddle of red and brown, then dried up and turned into a pile not unlike ash.

Dinah's cry ended and she took a step back. "What was that thing?" she asked, face showing disgust.

"Superman called it 'the Entity'," was all the answer Batman gave. He was still as if he too were disturbed by the grotesque death of the thing that had been inside Superman. Then he seemed to shake himself awake.

He stooped to collect what he could of the creature's remains into a capsule of some kind and then stowed it away inside his belt. While still crouched, he pushed two armored fingers against Superman's neck.

"Can you even feel anything with those on?" Dinah asked. Her tone of voice implied that she didn't think he could.

"Shh," Batman answered. Then he leaned closer and said, "Clark, can you hear me?"

Instantly, blue eyes unlike any other on earth cracked open. "Batman," he gasped. "God, I'm so sorry." He struggled until he was sitting upright and waved away Dinah and Batman's attempts to keep him still.

"I'm okay. I'm fine, really." He squinted at Batman and said, "Stop worrying. Really."

"Fine," Batman said and scooted back and then stood, cape like a living thing as it slipped up and away from the ground, a black fountain in reverse.

Dinah came to his side despite his grumbling and helped him to his feet, muscles at her arms straining as she pulled and tried to support him. "God you're heavy," she muttered.

Between the two of them, he made it to his feet. He wore a guilty expression as he looked over Batman's shoulder to where Ollie and the others were rousing with groans of pain. "My back hurts like a mother-" Flash said, twisting around to try and figure out why.

"Mwhalr," Hawkman answered and spat out a rock or two. "Me too," he finally managed and studied what looked like a size 13 boot print on his feathers. "What the-?"

"I fweel wike I'be been kwicked in da jaw," Green Arrow said, rubbing gently at the patterned bruise on his chin, and maybe his eyes drifted towards Batman, a question on his face.

"Batman," Superman said, turning to look at him once he was certain his team was safe. "I'm sorry. Again. I-I didn't mean what I said."

"Believe me, I know," Batman answered dryly.

"You do?"

"You weren't the only one infected. You won't be the last. That was a parasite, plain and simple. Advanced, but not unnatural. They thrive on negative emotion, but they're not some collective working together for one goal. They think independently, are solely devoted to their own survival without much regard to the survival of the whole species. Much like humans, actually."

Superman seemed to find that distasteful and he jerked a little as if he'd been punched again, but Batman's face was impassive. There was a greenish purple bruise on the left side of Superman's face, blooming into a violent violet right before his eyes. His eyes stayed on that mark for a long moment as if nothing had ever been so fascinating before.

At last Batman continued, his even tone almost hypnotic. "These parasites are ingenious, really. They take on the unreasonable wants, desires, hatreds and fears of the host, amplify them and thrive on them. They've evolved to survive on the worst aspects of humanity. It makes sense that they were found on what was once a battlefield."

"It's a survival mechanism they developed here? On earth?" Dinah asked, eyes wide. "So they're not aliens or anything like that?"

"No. Actually, they're very close to tapeworms, but with a few major differences. I was able to track the initial outbreak to an archaeological dig in what was once Mesopotamia. These parasites are ancient, nothing new, but they've been dormant for centuries. I first became aware of these creatures when a prominent Gotham socialite went and found the man who cut in front of her in line at the bank and shot him in the back of his head execution style."

The color drained from Superman's face, but he said nothing.

"It wasn't you," Batman said, dismissively. "The creature controls you by finding the little things that bother you, your pettiness, your weaknesses, and twisting them. It takes your small irritation and turns it into murderous anger. The boost to your strength is adrenaline and endorphins."

"You're saying-?" Superman began, but Batman interrupted.

"I'm saying that, had I left you alone long enough, you would have found a guy who cheated off your test in middle school and beaten him to death. Hunted down every person who ever knocked into you on the street. Every. Little. Thing. Becomes fuel for the parasite. With a normal human, the damage they can cause while infected is minimal. That is, if they don't have a weapon or if they're restrained in time to keep them from doing it the old fashioned way. In your case, Superman, there is no such thing as minimal damage."

Superman looked away, seemed almost embarrassed. He stared down at his fists where they dangled weakly at his sides, covered in muck and blood and dust from the buildings he had leveled.

"They're beautiful in design," Batman said softly, staring off into the distance with an almost wistful tilt to his wide mouth. "Perfect mechanisms to survive in this world. It's such an enviable trait: Taking the dark and terrible and making it your strength."

Superman shook his head. "They cause too much trouble, hurt too many people."

"Don't be foolish: People do these kinds of things without provocation, Superman. These 'Entities' are just tagging along for the ride."

Superman opened his mouth as if to argue, then Dinah let out a surprised bark of pain as he sagged into her.

"Are you okay? Superman! Come on!" she shouted, struggling to hold up his weight. "God, you are massive!"

Superman's bleary eyes traveled from left to right and then stopped.

"Oh, right," he said, staring pointedly at Batman's gauntleted finger. "If you don't mind?"

Batman pulled his hand close to his body, looked suddenly suspicious. "Maybe I should leave it on," he answered with an edgy voice.

Superman just shook his head weakly. "I'm all better now. Promise."

"Uh, huh," Batman said and shifted his stance just slightly, resting his weight on one leg as if ready to pounce. "Sure."

"I'm crushing Black Canary, here," Superman said, tried to laugh to hide what was probably dawning worry.

"Uh, yeah," Dinah grunted. "He really is."

The slits that were Batman's cold eyes narrowed. "And when I put it away, what will you do then, Clark? How much time will pass before you try to rule the world again, hmm? How many times will I forced to deal with what happens when someone with your power runs around unchecked?"

Superman flinched. "What is this about?" he asked, the blue of his eyes tainted with hurt and confusion.

"I don't trust you," Batman growled. "I don't trust any of you super-powered heroes."

Batman raised the ring before his face, warding Superman away.

"Batman?" Superman said, reaching out a hand, eyes imploring. "What's gotten into you? What are you saying?"

Batman suddenly smiled, a wide, inhuman smile. "I'm saying," he growled, "that you are what's wrong with this world and I'm tired of it."

As he spoke, his voice overlaid with another, more menacing one; one built and supported on hatred and distrust.

Batman, twisted the ring on his finger so that the stone was centered, poised to do the most harm. Dinah's eyes were wide and she was mouthing, "Batman?" as she shook her head from side to side. "It can't be."

"Oh, but it can," Batman said, still grinning that horrible grin, still speaking with two voices from one mouth.

In a rush of movement, Dinah was trying to shield Superman and pull him away from the danger all at the same time, but she wasn't succeeding-couldn't succeed when Clark was so much dead weight-and footsteps were thundering, weapons were being readied.

Batman looked over both shoulders to see the Justice League-still battered, but ready for a fight-surrounding him. He was blocked in, didn't seem to care.

"Oh good," he said, resounding, terrible. "You've decided to join us: Now I can take you all down at the same time."

And with that, he kicked off, hurled his body forward, shoved Dinah out of the way by her neck and an instant later felt the satisfying-oh so satisfying-crunch of Superman's jaw against his fist. Over and over and over again, sparks of green dazzling his eyes with each impact.

The parasite inside him purred, approved, fed on something-some long standing, deep running fuel-so strong it felt invincible just inhaling the fumes.

And Batman felt alive.

And he felt good.

He punched again and again and again until his fist was bloody beneath the gauntlet.

Queen was next.

**Author's Note:**

> The dumb reason Superman and Batman are fighting here is still way better than why they fight in that terrible movie. Come on, you know it's true.


End file.
